Submarining vs. Ghosting: Understanding the Dangers of Disappearing and Reappearing in Modern Dating

Submarining vs. Ghosting: What’s the Real Difference?

Modern dating is often defined by fleeting connections and an ever-evolving set of terms used to describe the ways people interact—or fail to interact. Two of the most confusing and emotionally charged dating behaviors that have exploded in recent years are ghosting and submarining. While both involve sudden shifts in communication, their long-term emotional impact and underlying motivations can differ dramatically.

But what exactly are these behaviors, how do they compare, and most importantly, how should you respond if it happens to you?

Table of Contents

• Definitions: Ghosting and Submarining Explained
• Major Differences Between Ghosting and Submarining
• The Psychology Behind Submarining
• The Emotional Impact on the Recipient
• Why Do People Submarine?
• How to Handle a Submariner
• Expert Advice and Healthy Boundaries
• Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Definitions: Ghosting and Submarining Explained

The first step to understanding these modern dating traps is a clear definition of each behavior.

• Ghosting: This occurs when a person suddenly and completely ceases all communication with someone—whether a romantic prospect or friend—without explanation or warning. No more calls, texts, or replies on social media. For the person left behind, this often results in confusion and a lack of closure.
• Submarining: In contrast, submarining starts out like ghosting—the person disappears for weeks or months, cutting off communication just the same. The key difference is that a submariner resurfaces after their absence, as if nothing happened, sending a casual message or attempting to reconnect without addressing their prior disappearance.
  Think of a submarine: first, it goes underwater (disappears), then surfaces unexpectedly (reappears).

Major Differences Between Ghosting and Submarining

Both submarining and ghosting involve abrupt communication cut-offs, but their core difference is what happens next. Let’s break down the distinctions:

Key Points of Contrast

• Finality: Ghosting is often a permanent departure; submarining involves an unpredictable re-entry.
• Communication: Ghosts remain gone; submariners resume communication, often acting as if nothing odd occurred.
• Emotional Impact: Submarining may prolong emotional turmoil, forcing the recipient to repeatedly question themselves and the relationship.

In short, ghosting is like ripping off a Band-Aid, while submarining is peeling it off slowly, then sticking it back on and off at random intervals.

The Psychology Behind Submarining

What drives someone to reappear out of nowhere after weeks or months of silence? Experts suggest a complex mix of insecurity, avoidance, and needs for validation and backup options fuel this behavior.

• Need for Validation: Submariners often resurface when they become bored, lonely, or need a self-esteem boost, to see if their previous connection is “still there for them.”
• Fear of Vulnerability: According to clinical psychologists, some people crave intimacy but find real vulnerability terrifying. Disappearing and reappearing is a way to avoid deep emotional risk while keeping people “on the backburner.”
• Backup-Mate Strategy: Evolutionary psychology points to “backup mates”—an age-old drive to keep options open in case a primary relationship doesn’t work out. Today’s dating apps and texting make it easier to maintain these shadow connections.
• Attachment Styles: People with avoidant or anxious attachment styles may be more likely to submarine, fleeing when things get serious and then returning when it feels less risky or when they’re again seeking attention.
• Modern Dating Culture: The abundance of choices and the ease of swiping on new people enables toxic patterns like submarining to flourish without consequence.

The Emotional Impact on the Recipient

Being ghosted is painful. But many argue that submarining is even worse in some ways because just as you begin to move on, the person returns and upends your progress.

• Confusion: The sudden return with no explanation causes emotional whiplash.
• Frustration: Recipients may feel angry that someone thinks they can just slip back in without consequences or acknowledgment.
• Self-Doubt: Victims often question their worth or wonder if they did something wrong, leading to lower self-esteem.
• Pressure: There’s often pressure to reply for closure, to vent, or to avoid seeming rude.
• Disruption: Old wounds are reopened, making real closure and emotional progress difficult.

Overall, submarining can be an insidious form of emotional manipulation, keeping someone emotionally tethered while offering no real connection or respect.

Why Do People Submarine?

Submarining does not usually arise from genuine care for the other person. The motivations are rarely about rekindling true connection, but instead stem from more self-centered drives:

• Insecurity or Boredom: Many submariners resurface because other options have dried up or they need an ego boost before disappearing again.
• Low Effort: It’s easier for some to reclaim a past connection than to build a new one from scratch.
• Noncommittal Attitude: They want the perks of a relationship without emotional responsibility or vulnerability.
• Lack of Respect for Boundaries: Submarining is often egocentric, ignoring the emotional cost inflicted on others.
• Digital Detachment: The impersonal nature of online dating and texting makes it easier to engage in disrespectful behaviors with minimum guilt.

How to Handle a Submariner

Receiving a sudden message from someone who vanished months ago can be emotionally destabilizing. Here’s how to take control of the situation and protect your emotional health:

1. Pause Before Responding: Give yourself a moment to assess what you really want. Do you even want to re-engage?
2. Don’t Settle for Breadcrumbs: If a connection starved you of communication, a dry “what’s up” isn’t enough. Recognize your own worth and demand more from others.
3. Express Your Feelings—If You Want: Let them know how disappearing and reappearing made you feel. Sometimes, people need to see the impact of their actions to change. But remember, you’re not obligated to coach someone into respectful behavior.
4. Set Boundaries: If you’re open to reconnecting, make it clear that consistent, respectful communication is necessary.
5. Consider Cutting Off Contact: If their presence is disruptive or painful, you have every right to ignore them, block, or leave them on read.
6. Focus on Self-Care: Protect your peace by leaning on friends, journaling, and doing what helps you move forward.

Expert Advice and Healthy Boundaries

Leading relationship experts and psychologists recommend a proactive approach when dealing with toxic dating trends like ghosting and submarining.

• Guard Your Emotional Energy: Don’t invest in someone who doesn’t reciprocate honesty, vulnerability, and respect.
• Model Good Communication: If you do respond, demonstrate the kind of honest, direct communication you expect from others.
• Don’t Take Responsibility for Their Actions: You are not required to fix or teach someone basic respect and decency.
• Refuse to Be a Backup: Let the submariner know you won’t be kept on the backburner and will not settle for occasional, disrespectful crumbs of attention.
• Seek Closure Within Yourself: Sometimes the closure you need comes from setting your own boundaries—not from an apology or explanation from the other person.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: How can I tell if someone is submarining rather than just being busy?

A: Submarining usually follows a complete cut-off in communication for weeks or months, followed by a casual, unexplained reappearance. If the person repeatedly disappears and reappears without addressing their absences, they’re likely submarining—not just busy with life.

Q: Is it ever okay to give a submariner another chance?

A: It depends on your boundaries and what you want. If you choose to give them another chance, set clear expectations for communication and respect. If their pattern continues, prioritize your emotional well-being over giving repeated second chances.

Q: Why do I feel so anxious when someone submarines me?

A: Submarining can trigger anxiety because it disrupts your sense of closure and forces you to question the stability of your connections. The unpredictable nature of their contact keeps you emotionally off-balance.

Q: How is submarining different from breadcrumbing?

A: Breadcrumbing involves delivering intermittent, often superficial communication to keep someone interested—without real commitment. Submarining is marked by long periods of silence, followed by a sudden re-entry into your life, usually without meaningful engagement or clarity.

Q: How should I respond to a submariner’s sudden message?

A: Only respond if it serves you. If it will help you find closure or express your feelings, that’s valid. Otherwise, you are under no obligation to reply to someone who ignored your needs in the past.

Conclusion: Take Charge of Your Dating Narrative

Ghosting and submarining both hurt because they rob people of stability, honesty, and respect. You deserve relationships built on clear communication and mutual trust. Recognize these patterns, guard your boundaries, and let the submariners and ghosts float away—while you move forward with confidence and self-respect.

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